I Used to Believe

I'm not an atheist, but I'm also not a believer. I struggle to believe in God, and I was a Christian until the age of 35. What does it feel like to be a Christian? What does it feel like to be an unbeliever?

When I was a Christian I was afraid of blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Theologians say blasphemy of the Holy Spirit simply means dying in your sins, but I never was sure that that was what it meant. As a Christian I felt like I was enslaved to the religion, like I was supposed to do good works and abstain from all sorts of evil. Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments."

But things aren't much better as an unbeliever. Nothing is certain. I have heard people talk about near-death experiences, sure that this life is not all there is, but how could there possibly be an afterlife? How would that work physically? At least as a Christian I had hope.

I have my reincarnation hypothesis: If it occurs to me I should wash my car, the thought that I should wash my car occurs to my most basic awareness. That most basic awareness will begin to exist in a baby after my death, even if my awareness is annihilated when I die, therefore reincarnation. I call this "recurrence" as opposed to continuation. This doesn't really give me hope though, since I can't convince most people it is true. Besides, who wants to live a version of this life again and again?